Where I Stand

I am a person who doesn’t feel as normal as they should. I am a leader who goes out of their way to get things done on time. I am a writer who likes to write about many different worlds and different characters. I am a student who freaks out when they get a C, my grades are ultimately a big deal to me. I am a bad communicator if I admit it or not, I can’t talk to people if my life depended on it. I am a person with this pent up fear that no one likes me and everyone that does like me is faking it. I am a perfect mixture between my parents. I am a walking mess, letting my problems over weigh anything else going on around me. I am me at the end of the day if I like it or not.

I wish the best for people if they would never think the same for me. I wish I had guts to at the very least, make a new friend. I wish I wasn’t dependent on the people around me. I wish I could see my best friends everyday and not wish that I was alone all the time. I wish I knew that just because something is bad one day, that it could and will get better by time for a different day. I wish I wasn’t always in pain. I wish I would put myself out there and get what I feel like I deserve. I wish I could understand why people are so rude to each other over the simplest of things. I wish I could stay in my bed all day but with that, I would be so unhappy. I wish sometimes I wasn’t me but someone completely different.

I care about how people say they view me. I care about people around me more than I realize sometimes. I care about the things I produce so much that I can stress myself out making it perfect. I care about the grades I receive and will work my butt off for a good grade. I care about my family because sometimes I get so worried that I could wake up and they could be gone that it scares me completely. I care about the feelings of other over my own which hurts me in the end. I care about music so much that is the one thing that is consistent in my day. I care about my electronics because they keep me tethered to the outside world. I care about my body, its curves and how it looks behind the scenes.

I can’t stand when people just make up and be friends with someone who made them so miserable before. I can’t stand when people think that I don’t know things just because I’m young. I can’t stand rude people, they get to me real quickly. I can’t stand the fact that people can just easily fall out of love with people just as easy as they fell in love. I can’t stand how my parents treat me, sometimes I feel like nothing I say matters to them. I can’t stand my brother, he seems perfect to my parents but can barely be nice to me. I can’t stand my own emotions, they are so unbelievably unpredictable, it’s crazy. I can’t stand backstabbers, they use your most personal moments against you. I can’t stand the fact that nothing I do makes a difference, matters or even is recognized at all. I can’t stand that I am me sometimes.

I enjoy smiling at the little things. I enjoy being live on the radio with my friends. I enjoy filming in class and being able to do the things I am good at. I enjoy learning new things everyday because it shows that I truly don’t know everything. I enjoy going to twelve hour football games to do concessions with my cadet core. I enjoy feeling like a leader with my social media position at the career center. I enjoy helping my dad at the Anderson Jockey Lot some weekends. I enjoy swimming, it makes me feel free until I feel something touch my toe. I enjoy shopping like the typical teenage girl does. I enjoy playing the game Fortnite even though I cannot shoot a gun for my life. I enjoy being surrounded by my family when they aren’t being rude.

I want to feel accomplished more with my life. I want to be loved like everyone else does. I want to get into my dream school in a few months. I want to graduate with all A’s. I want to not feel bad for the things I like or like to do for once. I want to be treated like I matter from my family. I want to not shut down so easily when I get triggered. I want to feel special. I want to find an apartment I like and live there with my cat, maybe a dog and my boyfriend. I want to film a short story I wrote and make it into a short film. I want to find things I really like now since Ive grown out of things. I want to be happy.